Sterling Suite: Sweet Anana, the Best Girl Ever

Broaching this topic is painful, and devastating, and talking about it still twists the knife, but I want to put this out here now and not draw it all out.

Last Friday, we said goodbye to our Anana. She was a month shy of 15, and she was, well, 15 years old. She had been slowing down for awhile, but a recent jump essentially disabled her and put her in too much pain to continue. Neither of us had ever had to put an animal down before and that process is excruciating and truly traumatizing. I think that entire building heard me wailing in tears.

We are not okay. She was a pillar of our relationship, and our baby, and a real member of this family. She was the flower girl in our wedding. She was more than a dog. She didn't want to be a dog, she wanted to be our baby. She didn't want to do dog things, she wanted to do things with us. Some of the hardest parts of traveling were having to leave her and be away from her, but seeing her happy reaction on the return was the best part of coming home.

I am still wracked with guilt at Anana's last years. The truth is, she didn't relish being a big sister. By the time Sophie joined our family, Anana was too old and grumpy to tolerate the loud, screamy, pokey baby and to lose her place in our hierarchy. It still kills me that I didn't have the time, attention and patience for her in these past 17 months that I used to. I wish I could make her understand how much we loved her and that even though our priorities had to shift, she never lost her place in our hearts.

AJ got Anana as an 8-week-old puppy and had her for 15 years. As he tells it, he wanted a Malamute and found an ad in the Penny Saver for some out in the High Desert. When he got there, it was exceedingly clear these were not purebred Malamutes, (and he says the parents were there and one was VERY wild... pretty sure it was a wolf), but he still took the white girl puppy.

She was with AJ all that time, and even lived with him in Canada when he went there for college. As a matter of fact, when we went to his college roommate's wedding in Canada a few years ago, they told us that one of their first dates was taking Anana out on a walk, which was such a cute story.

She was in my life for over 7 years since I started dating AJ in January 2015. Him having a dog that he loved and cared for was both a turn-on and very comforting to see his love for others, for animals, and ability to commit.

The water made Anana nervous. She didn't like people in the pool and spent the whole time worrying about them and running around trying to monitor them. When we took her to the dog beach, we had to take turns going in the water and have one of us up on the sand with her to distract her, otherwise she was too worried.

She could never settle in the car, she wouldn't just lay and relax. She would go side to side and always stick her face up on the side of the driver, breathing into your ear and fogging up the window.

She loved the snow (understandably). It was her habitat, her real home. She pranced and rolled in it, ate it, licked the ice, and was so happy to be in it. The last time we were able to take her up to the snow was in January 2020, it was the day Kobe Bryant died. We were always meaning to take her back.

She was a perfect pup when we took her camping. When we were sitting at the campfire, she would plant herself on the outside of our circle, backs to us and keeping watch for anything that would approach us. One time, I took a nap and she laid down next to me and my friend told me she would growl at anyone who was getting too close to me.

I hate the nights, because her bed is empty in our room and I have to go to sleep in the quiet and can't stop myself from thinking about her and missing her presence. Last night I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I was squinting in the dark for her to step around her as usual. It took a moment to remember, and it hurt. I hate the mornings when I wake up and have to remember that she's not here and I don't have to feed her. And I hate the days, as I go through my usual routines without her following me around, going on walks on with me, hearing her lap up water from her bowl, come around the couch and lay on the living room floor at my feet... or when I walk into the bedroom and don't see her laying on her rug. There are so many firsts we're getting through and it's really painful, habits we need to break now that she's not with us anymore. It's still very hard to come home and not have her waiting at the door when we get in and it's just so quiet not hearing her nails clicking on the hardwood as she walks around, her loud breathing and her human-like sighs.

We miss her. We knew it was coming but you're just never ready for it. There's never enough time.

Sophie trying to put her harness on
to take her for a walk

Rubbing snow onto her back like the Snow Queen she was

This was when I was knocked down for THREE DAYS
with food poisoning (from sushi, so you know it was no
joke), and Anana kept me company the whole time